I do not know what good this will do but I am willing to give it a chance. A way to let everything out, to sort my feeling and thoughts. I do not want pity, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. Instead I want to say life is short, love the ones you have in this moment, never take them for granted and let them know every day what they mean to you because one day you may not have the chance....
Today is one of the days I will never forget, one of my saddest times in history and even though it has been 3 years, was like yesterday. On this day I was in a classroom working on my studies to be able to start college the following fall. I looked down to my phone as a bad feeling rushed through my body... Seven missed calls!! All from my father who had recently admitted himself to a nursing home due to sudden health issues. In this day my world changed forever... Rushing into the hall, my fingers shaking as I dialed, in the back of my mind I feared the worst. "Dad, what is wrong?".... It seemed like my world, my whole existence, my being slowed to a near stop but everything around me animated full of life. Before I knew it I was at the hospital and my Dad was dying. How can this be?!?!?! The man I always looked to for all the answers, the one who protected me and loved me... I felt lost in myself, felt as if nothing made sense anymore. The man I had known all my life was very ill and there was nothing I could do... The Doctor wanted to do a surgery with no guarantee of recovery, even if he makes it out of the operation. My Dad didn't want them to remove things from his body, he didn't want surgery and he defiantly did not want to be on life support. He knew what was happening and was prepared for it. I was crushed but respected his wishes.... One by one family was leaving for the night. The room started to grow silent as I sit there alone watching, thinking and knowing nothing is certain but still had hope. I spoke quietly, letting my Dad know I was still there as I held his hand. "Remember this time, remember that time...?", as my voice began to crackle but knew if I stopped I would break down in tears. I needed to keep strong, needed to keep my head on my shoulders... Dad needed me to be strong. It is sad to say this but in my years of working in the health care field, I had seen many deaths but nothing ever prepared me for this........
Heart rate dropping............... Shallow breaths................. Silence.....
On my way home I felt like a robot driving. I was there but I wasn't, I had no one and I felt so alone with myself. They say time heals all wounds... I think time dulls the pain a little but the memory will always remain. Remembering the moments, the pain... that will stay with a person for a very long time but learning to deal with it, and not letting it eat you alive is the key. The one thing I can remember the most is what Dad said before he became unresponsive... "I have a wish for all you kids.... Do not let this destroy you, live life to the fullest and when God says it's time, you will be with me and your Mom again."
Life is short.... Love the ones in your life and always tell them what they mean to you. Time waits for no one and one day your time will be up.....
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